01 Mar What is myth and what is reality?
One of our goals in Taranaki Safe Families Trust’s family violence prevention strategy is educating the wider community about the underlying drivers of family violence.
It’s disappointing to hear some of the opinions and supposed understandings from some in the community. This mostly stems from outdated ideas and agendas from positions of privilege, and sensationalised media stories.
Knowledge is power, so let’s look at some myths and realities to keep us up to date and informed.
Myth: Family violence perpetrators are all tattooed, coarse, brown skinned monsters.
Reality: Not all abusers look like ‘Jake the Muss’. They come in all shapes, colours and bank balances – and you can’t tell by looking at, or meeting someone, whether they abuse their partner. Many abusers who use family violence against family members can demonstrate acceptable behaviour in other settings. Anyone can be an abuser.
Myth: If it was really that bad, she would just leave.
Reality: One of the biggest misconceptions out there is thinking it’s as easy as packing your bags and walking out. It’s not. There are multiple reasons why women don’t. Fear for herself, her children or pets. Often women are faced with barriers including lack of money and housing options. The abusive partner spends years systematically breaking down his partner’s confidence and self-worth to the point where she actually believes she is worthless and not deserving of anything better. The most dangerous time for a woman who is being abused is when she tries to leave.
Myth: Violence is about anger and rage. The abuser is out of control.
Reality: Family violence nearly always happens in private, with no witnesses. Perpetrators do not generally abuse their workmates or bosses, regardless of the amount of stress they experience at work. They don’t abuse workmates because they know there are consequences. They do it at home behind closed doors because they believe they can manipulate the situation and keep the power and control dynamics in place. It’s a conscious choice.
Myth: It’s because of the alcohol.
Reality: Alcohol does not cause family violence. Many people who have alcohol problems do not abuse their partners and many perpetrators are sober when they abuse their partners. Alcohol provides an excuse for their behaviour and masks the real cause – the desire to have power and control over others.
Dane is the co-ordinator of Taranaki Safe Families Trust.